DEAR PETER:
For the past three years, I have been dating an Indian
gentleman. We're both in our mid-20s. He's the oldest, and has two
sisters and a brother. I'm Black and his mother and sisters hate me.
We have never formally met. They have expressed that they're not
interested in meeting me because of my race. Nevertheless, I get
along well with his brother.
Unfortunately, my boyfriend resides with his family. He lives
on one floor and his family occupies the remaining floors. I/We
rarely spend time there. I have received harassing calls from his
sisters. He confronted his sisters and informed them that I will
file a complaint if they contact me again. Since their
confrontation, I haven't received any more calls.
However, the situation has become more volatile. Recently, I
visited my boyfriend to exchange some items. His mother/sisters came
to his apartment and created a 'scene'. My boyfriend informed them
to leave, after his mother threw something at me. I ignored them
through the entire event and only split apart my boyfriend and
sister when their argument became physical. I planned to leave after
everything calmed down and went to retrieve my shoes (which I
normally leave in the hallway) only to discover they were missing.
We found them in a dusty, spider-webbed wall panel.
I have exceeded my tolerance level for his 'family', but
haven't given him any ultimatums. Since the last episode, my
boyfriend no longer eats any food cooked/bought by his family. He is
also washing his own clothes (his mother washes their clothes at the
laundromat where she works). I no longer visit him, except to pick
him up with my car. He is also looking for a new place to live. What
can I do to lessen the stress his family is placing on us? him?
Should I do/say anything the next time his family approaches me?
Fed Up Girlfriend
DEAR FED UP GIRLFRIEND,
Normally I would encourage you to try to make harmony with his
family, but when a family is taking a very strong, racist stance, I
believe that one has to follow the righteous path, even if it costs
family relationships. At the same time, it might be productive for
your boyfriend to seek out an elder in the Indian community, perhaps
a Hindu religious leader, and ask that person to influence your
boyfriend's parents to be more tolerant and generous. Perhaps you
can meet with the parents with that leader as the mediator. It would
be good, after all, if their hearts could be influenced in the right
direction.
If nothing works, and you and your boyfriend are committed to a
long term relationship, and then marriage, I would recommend that
you follow your heart.
DEAR PETER:
My wife left me about 3 months ago. We have an 8 month old
daughter. She said that one of the reasons for leaving is that I was
happy with [junk] jobs. I'm happy with any jobs I have. But she wanted
me to get a real job and my cousin lived in an area (away from home)
that has many.
I moved 1200 miles from them, and am now in a strange
city without a job or family. When I ask her if she thinks we'll get
back together, her opinions vary from day to day...but never no, and
sometimes more promising. Am I stupid for trying to follow my heart?
I miss seeing my daughter grow up. I've only been in Denver for 2
weeks and had one interview. It will be our 2nd anniversary on
September 14.
Any help is appreciated
Mike
DEAR MIKE:
You're not stupid at all for following your heart. Heart is
more important than money or anything else. I would move back to the
city where your wife and daughter are, and sit down with your wife
and tell her that money can't be the basis for her relationship with
you. Doesn't it say, 'for richer or for poorer?'
At the same time, it's easy for wives to feel a lot of stress
because of money problems. If she feels that you really need to get
a better job, and that the better jobs are in Denver, then she
should go with you, with your daughter. Ask her if your daughter
cares whether you have money or not. All she wants is her daddy.
Stay together at all costs.
